he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
