Betty ford says i'm here all night
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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