i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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