if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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