we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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