We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
