Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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