i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
