i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Randomize
