I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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