Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
