your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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