Who did Billy Mays play for?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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