i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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