oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
