State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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