my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
"it" just moved
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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