Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize