so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
How does it feel to date your dad?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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