Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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