My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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