You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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