im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I just want to make out with him forever
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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