I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
this just has baby written all over it
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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