I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
