This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
