woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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