i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
