There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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