I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
