Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
