Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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