A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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