either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
