Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize