i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
