Tell her she can't have a vagina
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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