youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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