I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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