dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
My penis needs a shock collar
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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