end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize