A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
