Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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