wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
