there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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