don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
