I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
