Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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