Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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