You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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