U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
