The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize