What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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