god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
