i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
