Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
