A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
