I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Dicks are not precious.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
