She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
