you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize