You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize