I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I have aggressive nipples.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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