She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You are the jesus of drinking
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize