you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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