I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Houston, we have a blender
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
