And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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