So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Randomize