VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
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